[C-rank Mission] A Missing Heirloom

Mission Info:

I'm sorry, a what? Indra asked, unsure if he had heard the old woman before him correctly. He looked up from the small notepad and pencil he held in his hands, taking notes from each of the five eccentric family members standing about the ornate and lavish parlor area. The one in front of him now, Beatrice Rampeux claimed to be the matriarch of the family and was the original mission client.
A turd, my dear boy. You know, the little logs that one squeezes from their little butt cheeks while on the loo? She said with an air of annoyance that suggested she couldn't believe Indra didn't understand.
No ma'am I get that, I understand what fecal matter is but excuse me if I'm confused by the fact that this missing heirloom is a...turd as you so put it. Indra said back as politely as he could muster given the circumstances.
It's not just any turd my dear boy, it's a golden, bejeweled turd that has been in the family for generations. Reginald Rampeux, my great, great grandfather was an eccentric tycoon to say the least. A man with more money than he ever knew what to do with and one day had a rather impressive bowel movement, one might say. Well, being a bit of a funny man, self-proclaimed mind you, he fetched the poo from the latrine and ran it off to his best jewelers to have it cast in twenty-four karat gold and set with numerous priceless jewels. The thing is worth a small fortune, which is why you're here today, obviously.
Right, of course, obviously. Indra nodded in mock agreement. How was he the most qualified for this job? Or maybe it was just the fact that none of the higher ranking shinobi or detectives were dumb enough to get roped into dealing with the Rampeux family. Could you possibly describe it for me?
Describe it? Dear, it's a gold cased turd set with diamonds, sapphires, emeralds, you name it. It's really one of a kind I'd like...dare I say I'd hope to think. Beatrice said.
Right...that's fair. Indra nodded in agreement, realizing now the error in his question. In the moment, it felt like the right thing to say.
Here, I can do you one better than just describe it, follow me dearie. She said, gathering her lavish skirts and walking around the corner into the main part of the parlor where the rest of the family sat now waiting to hear more from Indra and his investigation. Indra followed the woman, who moved impressively quick considering her advanced age and frail frame, into the main parlor and there, set above what could only be described as an absorbently expensive fire place was a painting of a golden, bejeweled turd.

The Golden Turd:

Indra's eyes went wide upon seeing the painting, it was at least as tall as him and several times as wide simply sitting on the wall for all to see in this lavish and ornate mansion. You...you had it painted?
But of course, it's a priceless family heirloom.
Of course.
Are you a rookie officer? No offense darling, but they don't seem to have sent the best and brightest on the force for this investigation. I assumed for a family of our...hmm...standing in the community, the Shinobi Police would have made this investigation a top priority. Beatrice asked, sizing him up as he stood gaping at the stupidity of the image before him. How exactly was he not to take offense to that?
Sorry ma'am, our forces are still spread thin as we aid the other villages in rebuilding and recovery efforts. Things should start returning to normal in the next few weeks.
Ah, just our luck then that we have a thief break in while the urchins are scrabbling about after some forest fire or earthquake or some such.
Ma'am, it was a bijuu attack. Indra corrected her, but she only stared at him as if to say, and...your point? He shook his head, these people were absolutely delusional, but then considered what she had just said, Wait did you say break in? He flipped through his notes and scanned them briefly, There was no mention of a break in with the briefing or when I got here. Can you show me where you believe the thief broke in?
Well it wasn't a break in in the sense that someone actually...hmm...you know, broke something to get in. That's what you call this though, yes? That or one of my horrific spawns or siblings stole it. She said, narrowing her eyes and turning to the four seated amongst the furniture behind them.

Eat my ass you old coot. Braxton, the eldest child of Beatrice said to his mother.
Why, is that where you hid it? I'm sure there's plenty of room up there from the widening over the years with all those lady-boys. His mother countered, to which Braxton flipped her the bird.
Um, right then, anyway... Indra interrupted before this could escalate any further. He had already interviewed and patted down each of them individually. Although in hindsight, doing that before he had been told exactly what the missing heirloom was probably hadn't been the best idea, but hey he was new to this.
This is complete rubbish and positively inane, I'm going to go check on Maxwell. Astrid, Beatrice's younger sister said, rising from the couch.
Wait, Maxwell? There's another person in this house? Indra asked, surprised. When they had all gathered in the parlor upon his arrival, he had assumed this was it.
Person? Ha, no dearie. Regardless of what my delusional sister might have you believe, Maxwell is nothing more than a common mutt. Beatrice said as her sister stared daggers back. Indra ignored her but followed Astrid, curious about this dog.
Hmm that's strange, he doesn't seem to be in his bed. Astrid said, checking one of the rooms around the corner. At this point, having seen Indra leave with her, the rest of the family, curious and most likely just bored had decided to follow. Indra looked outside through the large kitchen windows, taking a moment to himself. These people were beyond mentally taxing and-
Was that a dog?

Ma'am is that Maxwell out there? Indra asked, pointing to the large creature laying in the perfectly manicured lawn, his hind quarters facing the house.
Ah yes, there he is. Now however did he get out there?
If that dog drops a deposit on my lawn, it better be the jeweled one. Beatrice said as Indra hurried outside, the rest of the family trailing him. He approached the pooch, who was apparently gnawing on something and gave him a few quick pats. Maxwell raised his head, saliva tendrils dripping from his mouth and wagged his tail in excitement. Indra reached down and pulled an absolutely sopping wet, sticky, golden turd from beneath Maxwell. He held it in the air and said, Case closed, thank you for your time. Before tossing it gently towards Beatrice and heading off the estate as quickly as possible.

Words: 1161/1000

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